Astronomical Grief: To The Future
Sixth in a Hexalogy
If you haven’t read the first piece in this hexalogy, I highly recommend reading (or re-reading if you fancy) it to orient yourself to the structure and intention of this series. I am not a formally trained scientist, but I do love all things cosmological and find deep joy writing on the edge of what is currently known and just beyond it - that place our imagination can take us that isn't too far down the street from reality. It's a space I've come to call speculative creative non-fiction. Welcome.
Sending To The Future
If you've been around, you may remember a piece I wrote about my daughter turning 70 in the future. This imagination was prompted by a question she asked about the moon. It was sweet for me to picture her and the life and joy that will surround her.
The practice of writing it down and sharing it...there is something to that, I believe. Though never necessary to share it publicly, tangibly putting the future into the present somehow gets it started. Cranks the engine. Points the energy.
I'm not saying I predicted a future. That's something else entirely. What I'm saying is from where I'm at, from who I am, and from how I Love my daughter, I time travel into a future by tethering it to a memory we make right now. We look at the moon (which if you know me, you know I Love the moon), she asks a question, I tell a story. Then, in her future as a 70-year-old, she will recall what we sent forward together.
What are you sending into to the future?
Who is sending it with you?
What practices help keep you aligned as we move towards it?
One day their memory of me will be a song. You're making your future. There's some future making happening in the present.
-Sharifa Stevens aka the G.O.A.T
Entering Into The Future
This writing project has absolutely written me. I have been writing myself into a new kind of existence, writing my story as I write this hexalogy. It's been weird; it's been deliciously collaborative; and I'm in a future place from when and where I first started.
You may recall that, right in the middle, on the third installment of this six-part series, I explored Mystery. Prompted by my conversation with Robert Monson, I was pulled into a conversation with Grief and Mystery that I did not start but we were clearly having with one another. And I faced, with honesty, the most undesirable realities of our cosmic existence and connection that I didn't want to talk or write about.
I think back to that and realize it was an edge for me. And a vision of me at this edge materializes...
I stand on the edge, with a cosmic highway of dust and light and unknown. Next to this track, I see myself waiting with only my breath and my worry. And also, with my whole self just as I am in that moment.
Something is coming around the curve of this cosmic track I'm standing on the edge of. And even from a distance, it’s wordlessly inviting me to climb on. I'm not sure I want to, or if I even have the strength to. Something - someone? - is rounding the bend. As it nears me and slows, I can hear - I can deeply sense - its invitation.
Let's do a lap.
The Grief Force, in its form as a celestial horse, stands before me, terrifyingly majestic. It waits with every expectation that I am going to get on and ride.
Like, willingly.
But I don't want to do a lap. No, thank you.
Yes, you want to write about space and grief and connections… and you have to Do A Lap™ with me if you're going to keep doing that.
I'm sorry, have you seen The Grief Force embodied? See photo below.
Do you see those muscles? And no saddle? I don't want to ride it. Not now. Not never.
So this vision is a sketch of where I am in the middle of writing this six-part series about grief. My options were to stay on the side of the track, talking about Grief like I'm an observer (which, I am not. I participate with grief just like all of us do, no matter how I try living otherwise) or...I could Do A Lap™.
Well, really The Grief Force could Do A Lap™ and I could hold on for dear life.
Which is why I didn't want to do it, obviously.
And the Spirit that has carried me through this series - through pre-creation imagination, facing Mystery, and the stubborn insistence of trees - meets me in this moment of remembering, and continues the vision:
The Grief Force is asking if I will Do A Lap™, and I look down the track to realize it is leading into...an unknown space of darkness. Into the deep-space of the future. And this is where Grief is inviting me to go, to ride on its back into Mystery. But who wants to ride into Mystery in the force and at the speed of Grief?
With a down-turned gaze of disappointment at my inevitable chauffeur into the Future, I look up to see the other three Forces are there too: Love, All-Light, and Magic. And I see and know. In an instant I get it. For this lap, I'm riding Grief. Grief is what's taking me into the Mystery but the other forces are doing the lap with us. I will be holding on for dear life as I ride The Grief Force into a Mysterious Future, but I am flanked by The Love Force, The All-Light Force, and The Alchemical Force, keeping up and going with us, with me.
So I say, yes. And…
Grief leads, charging forward towards and into the Mystery. I wrap my arms around Grief's neck, holding on for dear life with tears streaming down my face. I muster the wherewithall to look around, instantly heartened by what I see.
The Love Force is bringing up the rear. The energy of this rear position is "Face your front. I've got your back."1
The All-Light Force is on my left, in the energy and flow of water. Water in whatever form I need it. Similarly, All-Light can show up as any expression of electromagnetism that will bring nourishment and life.
The Alchemical Force is on my right, in the energy and flow of fire. Fire that connects me to potential, resourcing, and creativity as I need it. And in front, right before us, is Mystery. The Future we are riding into. And while I'm not being forced, I am surrounded and supported by The Forces that have held not just this series, but existence itself, together.
And so I enter in. I enter The Mystery with fear, with curiosity, with expectation, with fatigue, and often with a broken heart. But I enter in, more than anything, held. I'm held by each Force, regardless of their position.
Sometimes I'm riding The Love Force and Grief is behind. Sometimes I'm riding into the future on All-Light, and sometimes I'm on The Magic Force. But I go in. I'm not dragged, I am held. Even when I don't want Grief to be The Force carrying me into the future, I can say yes because I am going with Grief and Love, with Light and Magic.
This is what I've been taught. This is what the process of collaboratively narrating Astronomical Grief has brought me to. That these forces carry me so I never Do A Lap™ with just one energy, but all of them are present in whatever position necessary to accompany me into the future.
Grief is coming with you. Where do you want Grief to sit?
-Sharifa Stevens, aka The G.O.A.T.
I first heard the phrase “Face your front.” from Luvvie Ajayi in her podcast with Yvonne Orji, Jesus & Jollof. This is a Nigerian phrase that is to encourage the hearer to look ahead because their back is covered by those who Love them.
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